Yesterday was one of those days. Those days where you just want to scream into a pillow all day and let out all your pent up frustrations. I’ve always been against being vulnerable. I just hate when people take me to a place where they know they’ve hurt my feelings. Pride. I have an issue with pride. I’m a complicated person and I know this, I hate letting people affect me. As I’ve gone through other blogs and related to other bloggers, I’ve realized these feelings are okay. Crying is okay. Being mad is okay. These are emotions that need to be felt – not held on to. I’m learning, slowly learning to stop holding everything in. It’s hard though. It’s hard to let things out and let people in. That’s why this blog has always been my place. I can vent and let out my frustrations. I can let my mind wander and write about the things I’m passionate about. Well today, I’m writing about feelings and emotions and vulnerability. The idea of letting people in freaks me out. Why? I honestly can’t explain it at all. Heartbreak, betrayal, mean people. I feel like a few experiences with those things has led me to shut off a part of me and be ashamed of that part.
I feel like letting a person in gives the chance of being hurt. That’s life though. That’s a learning experience. I’m figuring that out at twenty-three. I’m figuring so much out at twenty-three. Living alone gives one so much time to think and find clarity. I cry now that I live alone. Not because someone’s currently hurting me or I’m down about things. It’s more so the pent-up anger and energy that I held in for so long. It’s like a star combusting. All those moments I bit my tongue or sucked the insides of my cheek in to avoid feeling, they’re coming out. That’s okay though. I rather cry and know that I can feel this hurt and conquer. I’ve run away from it for too long. I let people try to tell me about myself and manipulate myself to let them shine. I’ve let people attack what I’m passionate about and bit my tongue. That’s not okay.
Surprisingly, I reached out to a therapist/counselor. It’s more so for my mental health and to have someone with an unbiased opinion to talk to. For the most part, I feel like most people in my life will tell me what I want to hear to avoid hurting me. I appreciate it but at the same time I don’t. Be upfront and honest with me, let me know the truth even if it’s going to hurt me. At the end of the day, I decide how I’m going to take that information. That’s why I reached out. I want someone to tell me that this feelings are warranted. That I can feel this way. My best friend has told me time and time again that I can be mad, sad, etc but I need to hear it from someone else. Someone who’s not with me or against me. I need someone to dissect all this and let me know that crying is okay. Obviously, someone with a Masters or Doctorate is qualified in my head.
I am angry. I am happy. I am sad. I have all these feelings. Earlier Tuesday aka yesterday, I met with the volunteer coordinator for this organization I want to work with. I was so happy. I walked out so proud of myself. I was excited to try and get my job to collaborate and see what they thought. It really was a moment where I was giddy. Things quickly changed after a phone conversation. I felt like I was slapped in the face. Un-appreciation was wavering in me. I questioned if this was really what I wanted to do anymore. I cried. I didn’t know what else to do. I skipped out on the gym earlier which probably would have made me more relaxed and chill if I had went. I lost my appetite until my stomach rumbled over and over again at 10:30 pm. I questioned my own integrity. So I had puffy eyes and puffy cheeks to go to bed with. Exhausted. Not cried out because one thought of something that bothered me and the water works started again.
The one thing I yearned for in that moment? Someone to talk to. But my pride got the best of me. I tossed my phone away and cradled my pillow as my comforter. I never cried to anyone. I don’t cry over boys to my friends, I don’t cry over missed opportunities, I just don’t cry to people. Maybe I’ll send a text out of anger but never cry. Being vulnerable scares me. Having someone see my body shake as I cry and nose run endlessly scares me. That’s not the Brittnee they know. I think it scares me to scare someone with that vulnerability. Hell, when I cry on the phone to my mom I feel like such a baby and child. I hate crying to my parents – I can hold it in with my dad but my mom just knows and I’m drowning in salty tears again. Hate it. I feel like my break downs are my problem.
It’s uncomfortable. Crying and vulnerability. But we don’t need to be comfortable in life. I don’t need to be living comfortably just yet. I’m twenty-three and I haven’t accomplished all of my goals. I can’t be comfortable, I have to keep working and climbing. I need to accept being vulnerable. It’s so easy to write it all down and feel like a weight is lifted off my chest. But tomorrow, I still have to work on it. I still have to divulge into why I’m crying and trying to steady my breathing as my head begins to pound. A new start is coming. Everything is going to change and I’m willing to let it.
What’s my advice to you?
For one, don’t you ever let anyone tell you that crying is for the weak. I believed this for so long and was ashamed to cry. If someone hurts you, let them know. Don’t push it aside and break down after so many months. Don’t let it affect your mental health. Be vulnerable. I can’t give much advice on this. I’m recently working on it. I’m working on my feelings and talking about them to people. There’s nothing wrong with voicing how you feel. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You’re given a voice and platform for a reason. Just don’t wait around like I did. Do not be afraid to talk to someone. Especially as a young adult, we’re experiencing so many life changing decisions. Make time to talk to someone about whatever – let your mind wander and just live. Mental Health. Your mental health is the most important thing you can take care of. Don’t let the delusions of society mess with you. There’s no perfect person, just society’s ideal image. If you’re in college, take use of the Wellness Center if they do student counseling. It is okay to talk to someone. If you’re judge on that, that is not your fault… that’s the ignorance of the judgmental person. Lastly, enjoy uncomfortable things. That’s allowing yourself to expose what’s on the inside and what you’re feeling. If you’re busy trying to be perfect, you’re missing out on life. Life is about mistakes, it’s about taking chances.
I’m still learning. Relying on my faith.